Thoughts on motherhood, six weeks in

• Before your baby is born, "they" always tell you how much time you'll spend just staring at him. Well, "they" are right. I could just sit for hours and look at Jude's sweet little face, marvel at his tiny fingers and toes, and giggle at the dimples that seem to be appearing daily. I've always loved babies, but there's just something about having my very own baby to hold and watching him grow daily.

• Another thing that "they" tell you before you have a baby is how everything will take more time, and how much STUFF you have to take with you when you go anywhere. It's all true. When I plan to get out of the house, we have to start getting ready at least two hours before we go anywhere. If it's in the morning, Judah needs to eat, have a diaper change, then I have to get showered, dressed and ready, maybe have some breakfast if I'm lucky... then Judah needs another diaper change, and probably to eat some more, get strapped into his carseat... and the diaper bag has to be packed up for every possible emergency, my phone and the keys need to be found... etc etc.

• I always thought that once I had a baby, my baby fever would be cured, at least for a little while. But no, it's still here. I want another one! Ha. I remember thinking that even just a few hours after Judah was born - I wanted to do it all over again. But it will be a couple of years, don't worry!

• It feels like my heart grows bigger every day, just to fit all the love that I have for Judah and Thomas and our new little family. A side effect of this is that I seem to feel more... as I hold Judah close, I often think of all the children in this world who don't have a loving family - or even just food and shelter. Now that I have Judah it seems incomprehensible to me that anyone could harm or abuse such an innocent little life. It's really hard for me to read or watch the news because there are so many stories of abuse, abandonment, and starvation. My heart just breaks, and I wonder to myself what I can do about it... because I truly believe that what your heart feels most strongly about is what you are meant to do. This is something that has always pulled at my heart strings, but having Judah has just heightened it.

• Having a child also makes you more aware of all the dangers in the world. Judah is only six weeks old but I already feel this overwhelming urge to protect him - keep him from getting hurt, getting sick, or being abused in anyway by anyone. This is something I know is going to be a daily battle for me as he grows up... finding a happy medium between protecting him and letting him have adventures and experiences and live his little life to the fullest. I don't want him to be afraid, but at the same time I want him to have a healthy awareness of the dangers of this world so he can learn to make his own judgments.

• I have a bigger desire to make every moment count now that Judah is part of our lives. I want to be purposeful as a mother - to actively help him to learn and grow. I don't want to be distracted by things like the computer or the TV when he is awake and wanting my attention. He is growing so quickly and I just want to soak it all in. I refuse to miss any smiles, any gurgles or coos, and any "conversations" that he might want to have with me!

• The sense of responsibility for this little baby is overwhelming sometimes! I believe that every child is a gift from God, and we have been entrusted with Judah's care. Even at this very young age Judah is taking in everything, so Thomas and I should be acting like we want him to act - with kindness, respect, compassion, and doing things out of love. We should model the behaviors and character traits that we want him to have, and this means constantly being aware of our actions and living mindfully. 

• Last, but not least, it's just incredible how one little smile from Judah makes my heart melt, even if it's at three in the morning. Every wakeful night, every tearful moment... it's all worth it. The fact that he always stops crying when I pick him up and hold him close makes me feel like the most special person in the world.